Dear Jonathan, I'm sorry

Dear Jonathan,



I'm sorry that i cause so much pain for you, there is a list, i wonder if you would even read it, but still






i'm sorry

that i brought her into the room the frist place and trap her by vanishing the door

even though i lost the door key when she first step in.





i'm sorry

that the present you plan to buy for her remains behind the windows of the shop,

and her birthday presents you bought turn out to be blessings to your sisters.






i'm sorry



that i pulled you behind, when you wanted to grab her hand so many times

or make you let it go when wanna hold it longer.







i'm sorry

for making you write your hidden blogs for days when i remember her,

and somehow you make it a habit,

but make you delete the thousand-posts on the day you thought your story should ends,

maybe "sadness" should take the blame, but it was a bit my fault too..






i'm sorry

that keep telling you God might have a better plans and better person for you,

and move you to change to a better man before you spilt your feeling out.

well you did change a bit, but i still feel i was wrong about the right timing part.






i'm sorry

that i make you thinks that distances will bring you apart from her,

and time will heal and pains will go,well you proved me wrong all this while,

i think maybe the main reason was i keep her here all along.

but i really couldn't found the key

or the unlock button to let her out.






i'm sorry



to make you think so far away, before you have the chance to even get start with her,

families, cultures,religions, the ministries, or even the time you would fight which never happens,

i know i could always blame that to "imagination" or "planning",but i was the one started it right'?





i'm sorry

to keep your finger feel tired, everytime you feel that you wanted to

text her, or write more with the keyboard

i thought you might be tired after a long wait to see her online,

"brain" should take some blame for this one, but i know it was because i wasn't strong enough







i'm sorry

i laughed when i heard bruno mars sing grenade,

and it gonna be pretty scary to appear to girl

if your head was bleeding and have a bullet in it,

but i sure you love and could far more for the girl with a better solution,

dead wasn't the only thing you wanna show her, but the love within.





i'm sorry






i'm sorry

i make you write poets for her, wrote songs for her

but never let her knows, well,some remain in your mind and

her might come across a few when "sorrows"ask you to published it,

but most of them are gone when you press "yes" to the pop out

when the adminstrator ask you to think twice,

i know, i wasnt strong enough.






i'm sorry

i make "brave" absent when you try to talk more to her,

but at least "happy" was here when she smile,

though most of the time you saw it online or from the corner she wont see you.







i'm sorry

when you have a chance to be in the picture with her,

you stand close but never too close to her,

or even turn out be the man which ask the people to smile before the clicks,

as it was another chance she could smile at you,

i know, because i wasnt strong enough.





i'm sorry

to bring "bitterness" and "lonelines" to you,

like days of christmas, valentine, or any random days

when you was at midst of crowd with or without her,

the same thing was you havent try to let her know me.





i'm sorry

sometimes you happiness are followed by thinking

if she could be here to share with you,

and your smile get bigger when i saw "disapointment" knocking.

no one know but, i do. or maybe now some do.








i'm sorry

to keep you focus on other things

when you try to go to work to fill up you dating fund,

and make you believe money could be the reason for a successful relationship.

and make you stop trying.

i know, i wasnt strong..enough..



i'm sorry

i'm sorry

i'm sorry





i'm sorry

for things i said,

for things that i done.

and for things i never say and never done.





i'm sorry

that i put more than a person at my place now,

and you have to help me burried the previous ones deeper,

i know it couldnt be erased,

my habit of losing the key havent change,

but you could to make more room for the new one.could you?

And i think Jesus wouldnt mind having an old neighbour right here.








i don't know what will happened next,

but this time, i will be strong, at least stronger.

for you ,

be with you and

always pumping,

right inside you,

like Jesus stay in me,

till God bring us home,

for you.





love,

Your heart.

on the 9th of march 2011
















p/s: turn your sighs to prayer whenever you miss her in your sleepless night again, i feel better everytime you did it:)