i wonder how was the wind and the lovely blue sky,

as i haven't spread my wings and kept it at all time,

so long..

till i forget that there were once that i'm able to fly,

instead of hiding in dark without any tears to cry.

~~~

Lord's shower of blessings rains while my spirit feels dry

such imperfect people still God you lifted me high

how great..

God's grace is upon grace even so little we try

Father in heaven in you I hide for You I shine.

~J~

20/3/2011 journal..

quite sometime i didn't journal in blog.

things happen quite a lot...

this march seem passing very fast, i went back to penang to coach in ANTS(advance NCO trainning school). well at least i made my promise to serve in Boys brigade and i did.Well good to hope in the young people and learn a lot them. and to my suprise was that Christine from perak make it to ANTS as an officer.things change.oh,and when i was back there i realise my parent keep me in dark about my grandma, that she couldnt walk as she fell down from the chair during CNY. Now she has to walk slowly using the aid. Parent want me to focus on my study and keep this away from us, grateful when they send me back to kl by picking me up straight from camp site in teluk bahang, going there from my house will be like an hour drive...thanks mom and dad.

my sister Grace is transfer back to penang yesterday. hope she fit well and take care of them..

and i took up the easter production at the last minute, kee aun was like call me in 10pm and i say yes without thinking too much. God have His own plan for everyone, every year easter or every project have its own problems, like i say in last year, we still have the same God to guide us thou we have different team and people. now it is two day before the D -Day , we have nothing else but trust in Him, hope i can , no ..i will write a grateful post about it , like i did last two year, Lord we pray for your grace and mercy..

this may gonna host life game, it seem not progressing, wonder where would i be, the next 3 months. but struggle when mom offer me to go for Euro trip... aiz.. guess gonna miss it for Life game..but trust God for things to come.

and the greatest fear for me now is .. my thesis which have to be written in German. havent finalize everything but will have to pass up 1st draft this coming Friday..my supervisor was awesome. but just that i have to brush up my language skill.. and hope he can understand what i write.

talking about language skills, i counted and found i learn 10 new languages in UM, majoring German, followed by tagalog,Spanish, Portuguese, french, Italian, Japanese, Dutch , russian,

and this sem Korean, really need time to master all. but think the most enjoying will be korean as having Jonathan and helen and seong jin and sophee in the scene. a christain base enviroment realy is different.

think my greatest joy so far is to have great fellowship with friends ,like,see zoey coming back from uk. and the fellowship with shu kheng and cell group and people all around, having putting all the worries behind and release myself. letting go my grief aint easy, but it willl be an ongoing assignment =D.

march is coming to an end.. and start wondering about my future,master ...work.. love..ministry..

but, in God we trust. in God all things are possible.

Dear Jonathan, I'm sorry

Dear Jonathan,



I'm sorry that i cause so much pain for you, there is a list, i wonder if you would even read it, but still






i'm sorry

that i brought her into the room the frist place and trap her by vanishing the door

even though i lost the door key when she first step in.





i'm sorry

that the present you plan to buy for her remains behind the windows of the shop,

and her birthday presents you bought turn out to be blessings to your sisters.






i'm sorry



that i pulled you behind, when you wanted to grab her hand so many times

or make you let it go when wanna hold it longer.







i'm sorry

for making you write your hidden blogs for days when i remember her,

and somehow you make it a habit,

but make you delete the thousand-posts on the day you thought your story should ends,

maybe "sadness" should take the blame, but it was a bit my fault too..






i'm sorry

that keep telling you God might have a better plans and better person for you,

and move you to change to a better man before you spilt your feeling out.

well you did change a bit, but i still feel i was wrong about the right timing part.






i'm sorry

that i make you thinks that distances will bring you apart from her,

and time will heal and pains will go,well you proved me wrong all this while,

i think maybe the main reason was i keep her here all along.

but i really couldn't found the key

or the unlock button to let her out.






i'm sorry



to make you think so far away, before you have the chance to even get start with her,

families, cultures,religions, the ministries, or even the time you would fight which never happens,

i know i could always blame that to "imagination" or "planning",but i was the one started it right'?





i'm sorry

to keep your finger feel tired, everytime you feel that you wanted to

text her, or write more with the keyboard

i thought you might be tired after a long wait to see her online,

"brain" should take some blame for this one, but i know it was because i wasn't strong enough







i'm sorry

i laughed when i heard bruno mars sing grenade,

and it gonna be pretty scary to appear to girl

if your head was bleeding and have a bullet in it,

but i sure you love and could far more for the girl with a better solution,

dead wasn't the only thing you wanna show her, but the love within.





i'm sorry






i'm sorry

i make you write poets for her, wrote songs for her

but never let her knows, well,some remain in your mind and

her might come across a few when "sorrows"ask you to published it,

but most of them are gone when you press "yes" to the pop out

when the adminstrator ask you to think twice,

i know, i wasnt strong enough.






i'm sorry

i make "brave" absent when you try to talk more to her,

but at least "happy" was here when she smile,

though most of the time you saw it online or from the corner she wont see you.







i'm sorry

when you have a chance to be in the picture with her,

you stand close but never too close to her,

or even turn out be the man which ask the people to smile before the clicks,

as it was another chance she could smile at you,

i know, because i wasnt strong enough.





i'm sorry

to bring "bitterness" and "lonelines" to you,

like days of christmas, valentine, or any random days

when you was at midst of crowd with or without her,

the same thing was you havent try to let her know me.





i'm sorry

sometimes you happiness are followed by thinking

if she could be here to share with you,

and your smile get bigger when i saw "disapointment" knocking.

no one know but, i do. or maybe now some do.








i'm sorry

to keep you focus on other things

when you try to go to work to fill up you dating fund,

and make you believe money could be the reason for a successful relationship.

and make you stop trying.

i know, i wasnt strong..enough..



i'm sorry

i'm sorry

i'm sorry





i'm sorry

for things i said,

for things that i done.

and for things i never say and never done.





i'm sorry

that i put more than a person at my place now,

and you have to help me burried the previous ones deeper,

i know it couldnt be erased,

my habit of losing the key havent change,

but you could to make more room for the new one.could you?

And i think Jesus wouldnt mind having an old neighbour right here.








i don't know what will happened next,

but this time, i will be strong, at least stronger.

for you ,

be with you and

always pumping,

right inside you,

like Jesus stay in me,

till God bring us home,

for you.





love,

Your heart.

on the 9th of march 2011
















p/s: turn your sighs to prayer whenever you miss her in your sleepless night again, i feel better everytime you did it:)